pastor-guilt

there is an interesting thing that happens to me as I go through this life

apparently as a pastor I carry around this thing that I like to call pastor-guilt

and it's not what you'd expect that to be

it's not me, as a pastor carrying around guilt, rather it's how I obviously make people feel

it goes like this...

I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile and stop to see how they're doing and catch up on life

now, if this persons knows/remembers that I'm a pastor - they'll go into this rambling of guilt-ridden prose

"oh yeah, I know that I haven't been to church in a while"
"I've been doing this and that..."
"I've really been meaning to do this"

I never know quite how to respond

it makes me feel bad actually - making people feel guilty just at that sight of me - yikes

so, in an effort to avoid these situations in the future, let me say this:
- do good
- do those things you feel compelled to do
- don't let guilt run your life
- do right by God
- if you're feeling guilty about something, maybe there is something to it - but please, don't place it on me
- I honestly just want to know how you're doing

but maybe you already told me

are you safe? - an internal monologue

*stepping into the room*

hi.

I know you can see me, please don't look the other way
we've worked together for 3 years
I know you're busy. I know you've got your life
your kids and your mortgage

and you're pleasant enough
we talk about the seasons changing
and construction slowing our drives
among other unremarkable things

I feel pathetic, like I'm begging for attention
you know what? don't worry about it
but you have a depth
I can tell

it's not like I have major problems
just a handful of minor ones
pretty standard really
but I hurt

did you know that I paint?
yeah - weird hey?
I love it
painting, that is

"what are you doing this weekend?"

my friend died last year
I never told anyone here
didn't even take time off
I don't know why

are you ok with this superficiality?
because I'm growing increasingly tired or it
or apathetic
somedays I can't tell the difference

do you ever daydream about swerving into oncoming traffic?
or off an embankment?
not in a death-wish sort of way
but just for fun?

are you safe...?

"are you safe?"

*exits room*

therapy

I'm a pastor.

what this entails continues to befuddle me

but I spend most of my time with people in all different capacities
sometimes it means coffee, sometimes it means hospitals, sometimes it means preaching and teaching
but always people.

which works out great because I love people

I enjoy getting to know them
what makes them happy. what makes them sad

I enjoy hearing their stories and telling some of my own

mostly I enjoy listening

but...

I grow tired

not of people - but I need some space

and for me, one of the best forms of therapy is working with my hands

after days of reading and writing, meeting with people, talking, thinking, etc. I can think of little else that revives me as doing something physical and shutting my mind off

my therapy is relatively mindless and blissful and preferrably outside

for many in trades and other physical jobs, they relax by reading or doing something non-physical

it's the opposite for me

I think it has something to do with pure physical exertion and more immediate results - there is something to see and admire for what I have done - like creation

I can step back, fold my arms and feel good - knowing that I DID something

because the majority of my days are much more subtle

serving people is subtle. rarely are there times that I can say "there - I DID that" and mostly because that comes off as selfish - I think you get what I'm saying

but there are those times as I walk with someone through a defining moment in their life and know - this is the only thing for me

those are the moments I cling to

...oh yeah - and golf.

so, what is your therapy?

utterly alone

is it just me, or are most people walking through this life feeling alone?

no matter what the lifestyle
no matter how many friends
no matter how busy

there's this low-level hum of loneliness

not necessarily debilitating loneliness or even a woe-is-me loneliness

but more of an awareness that you...are...alone (or at least it feels that way)

you're the only one in your head
you're the only one who knows your thoughts
you're the only one who knows this pain - knows these secrets

...or are you?

as a pastor, I should tell you about how mysteriously and miraculously God's own Spirit chooses to live inexplicably intertwined in you when you know who he is and choose him - which I believe

but...sometimes it is still lonely.

I place unfair expectations on my relationships, looking to be made okay again through them
I ask the ones closest to me to make me feel whole
I stumble around looking for something that may not be found

I know God is t(here)...but sometimes it doesn't feel like it

and yet, in the midst of fleeting feelings - I choose to believe

and there are other times when I am so accutely aware of God's 'hereness' there is absolutely no mistaking it

I yearn for those moments
I need that hereness

otherwise, we are utterly alone - but I don't believe that

you're only as good as your last post

I am continually my own worst critic

starting up this blog again has reopened my heart

open again to both the good and the bad - but I guess I have to take both

there's a weight off my chest and a burden off my shoulders as I release these petty thoughts

but, there's a vulnerability that I would rather not carry with me

as most writers can attest to, though I'd hardly consider myself a 'writer' - you're only as good as the last thing you wrote.

in my case, only as good as the last post

I want to nail it every time, but I can't
I want to pour myself out fully, but I can't

there will be mediocrity, there will be missed marks

but I pray we will be better because of the trip

so, as we continue to journey together - be gentle, knowing I critique far more than you ever could

there will be up's and there will be down's - but we'll come out okay

thanks for journeying with me...and tell your friends.

good news?

so there's this phrase in churchianity called 'good news'

we find it in english translations of the Bible
I hear it from the pulpit. I see it in the propaganda (maybe too harsh)
but like many churchy phrases, this one is seemingly losing its meaning and depth and power
it's become so engrained in church culture, that rarely does one stop to remember

so, let us stop.

good news.

- is it actually good? or has it become just news for you?
- and is it actually news? or has it become just...well, I don't know...

what do you have in good news if you find it neither good nor news?

there are those who talk about this good news with little thought beyond their 'ticket to heaven'
there are those who talk about this good news with smugness as they 'condemn to hell'
there are those who talk about this good news in ignorance of those in need

what did the angel mean in telling the shepherds that a Saviour had been born - Christ the Lord?

this is bigger than your ticket to heaven
this is bigger than your pride (thank God!)
this is bigger than your ignorance

Jesus is Lord.

so, fellow journeying soul - is this still good news?
and if so - what becomes of it?

decidely moderate

I've noticed that when I'm with my 'righty' friends (and I use that term in all kindness) I tend to gravitate to a more left approach

I've subsequently noticed that when I'm with my 'lefty' friends (and I use that term in all sarcasm - haha) I tend to gravitate to a more right approach

now, before you charge me with flippantly changing my stance let me say...

I'm decidely moderate

and this is a dangerous thing for me to say, for I run the risk of losing the respect of both the lefties and the righties in so doing

but I see the severity at either end of the spectrum as more dangerous

there are things in this life that aren't quite as cut and dry as people would like to make them out to be

you may think that I'm just noncomittal

but I would submit that I'm very commited to listening (to both sides or more) and attempting to make a decision from there

I prefer that to just going along with whatever the 'groups' are saying

...or maybe I'm just moderately undecided?

I see you

forgive the creepiness of that title
but...

I see you

yeah, you

you slide through life without so much as a word
you keep quiet and reserved
you hold back
you keep your proverbial cards close
you shove your passions deep down
you keep your head down and your mouth shut
you try and you try to maintain this facade

but I see you
...and you're not fooling me

there's so much more there, I know
there's so much depth to your soul
there are things that boil your blood
there's mystery and passion and life
there's so much more than...this

and I see you.

you have something to say, I just know it
you have wisdom to share
you have so much life and it's killing you

don't keep it in. don't hold it back

let it out...let it out

and let them see you too.

to the next chapter

I miss writing

I miss creating, albeit ineloquent

I was intending to take the summer off the blog and return in the fall
that meant beginning September 1st...but here we are the true beginning of fall

thus, here I am - ready to pour out my heart

quite honestly it has been quite the journey
wins and losses
encouragement and discouragement

I found the less I wrote, the less I felt like writing and the less I felt inspired
a weird cycle indeed

so, in attempt to inspire inspiration...I write

I find myself back on themes of hope and disappointment. of pain and enlightenment

and God.
God is always there (or here, depending on your stance)

I want to be insprired and to inspire
I want God and I want life
I want to sip my coffee and reflect
I want to converse and ponder
I want to hug my kids so hard that they'll never forget my love
I want to laugh. I actually want to cry
I want to mend and heal and restore and reconcile

here's to the next chapter...

may we love more, regret less and revel in the joy of it all.

cheers!

more or less human

it seems that in life, there is much loss.

we each experience loss in our own way.

there's no instruction manual on how to grieve and mourn
and many flounder when confronted with loss.

some face it head-on.
some ignore.

and many more in between.

some self-medicate.
some self-deny.

and many more in between.

there is difficult balance to maintain between acknowledging the loss
and not letting it incapacitate you.

some weep and wail.
some bite their lip.

and many more in between.

I say:
- feel it and know it
- embrace it and learn it.

you have a choice:
- allow the loss to make you more or less human.