sheepy sheep

get this, God is happier about a wanderer returning than countless others continuing.

the question is, are you?

dear youth pastor - are you too busy coddling your churchy teens to even notice the one that needs love?
I know, I know - it's the churchy teens' parents that give so that you can have a job (they probably remind you with subtle hints)

dear big-house pastor - are you too busy patting legalistic rumps to even notice those who need grace?
I know, I know - it's those rumps that fill the pews or stackable rows of chairs and 'let' you keep patting them.

dear well-intentioned(?) critic - are you too busy whining and complaining about the faults in the Church to even notice those that need forgiveness?
I know, I know - it's all those faults that give you something to blog about and feel self-righteous about.

dear God - are we too self-indulgent to notice those who need Jesus?

I'm sorry.

"Look at it this way. If someone has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders off, doesn't he leave the ninety-nine and go after the one? And if he finds it, doesn't he make far more over it than over the ninety-nine who stay put? Your Father in heaven feels the same way. He doesn't want to lose even one of these simple believers. "

I'm dying

Gravestone Generator

now, before you think this is a shameless way to get you to read my blog (well, maybe you're right) stick with me.

it's true: I'm dying.

but so are you.

maybe I'm a realist, maybe I'm morbid - so be it.

every day that we are alive we are one day closer to dying - like it or not, it's reality.

I've heard it asked: "how would you live today if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?"
- what decisions would you make?
- what conversations would you have?
- which people would you be with?
- what would you eat?

and I've found myself desiring to live as if I'm going to die soonish.
- love more
- dance more
- sing more
- create more

BUT - I cannot.

the mundanity of life overwhelms.
- eat
- sleep
- work

my question: is there a balance to be found here? somewhere between responsible planning and carpe diem?

how can I live fully today and still go on to live fully tomorrow? the thought itself is fatiguing.

but what am I passing on today to salvage energy for tomorrow, only to pass on then?

...

I'm dying and so are you.

today, let us grab someone we love, declare our love for them, as we dance and sing and create something beautiful.

or not -I'm too tired.

I'm not mad...I'm just disappointed

this simple phrase damages me more than I care to admit.

have you heard it before?

have you said it before?

maybe I'm soft, maybe I'm weak - but I loathe this phrase. I hate disappointing people, especially those close to me.

so, when I hear that I'm a disappointment, it stings.

now, you can psycho-analyze my desire to please people or my father-issues all you want - trust me, I've already been there.

what is it about us (yes, I'm including you in this as well) that desires to please?

I'd honestly rather someone just be mad - it'd be far easier to digest.

I cannot be all things to all people. I can be Tyson.

...and when God looks at me, he sees Jesus - and I try my best to remember that.

death to the orator

is oration dead?

maybe I'll back up a step - oration is, simply a public speech.

so, are public speeches dead?

I've heard it said that "with these new generations coming up with little to no attention span, the use of public speaking over 5 minutes in length will cease."

thoughts, new generations? are you really, as generations as ADD/ADHD as you are treated or pandered to?

or is oration just a dead or dying means of communication?

as much as I enjoy communication through more technological means, I still hold a special place in my heart for someone who is able to grasp the imagination and attention of an audience publicly.

the modulation, the inflection....the pause....the body language, the facial expression, the moment.

teachers, politicians, preachers, activists, among others know the importance of oration, the ability to inspire - but are they just fighting a losing battle?

thoughts?

a vague memory

what is your earliest memory?

what is the first thing that comes to mind as you read that question? is it a memory of happiness? of joy? or sorrow?

or is it less concrete than that? more a collection of vague nuances and happenstance.

does anyone else find it strange that most can't remember the first couple years of our lives? memories are strange indeed. fleeting at times and yet vivid at others.

do you trust your memories? or have they changed over time? growing more and more exaggerated.

have your precious memories become more precious? have your painful memories become more painful?

or have they grown more mundane?

...

I have sat with people as they've died. tragic and beautiful.

and in those last days and moments, memories come.

they remind of a life once passed. regret. success. ambition. ambivalence.

relationships.

experiences.

circumstances.

...

we each have memories. which ones have defined you? which ones are you creating now that will define who you will be? which have you passed on, knowing these memories die with you?

today, stop and remember.

cherish. relive. ache. and start again.

speak Jesus

it's easy to talk about church, yet never mention Jesus.

it's ironic that you can talk about being a Christian, yet never mention Jesus.

does this sadden anyone else?

churchy-types: when was the last time you talked about Jesus?

- actually talking about the Jesus you love, not just in a churchy-way

Christians: when was the last time you talked about Jesus?

- actually talking about the Jesus you follow, not just in a christiany-way

now, I'm not saying to get up on your soap-box.

what I am saying is to stop being such a wimp and actually speak Jesus (you know, the one you say you love and follow)

if not for Jesus, there would be no church.

if not for Jesus, there would be no Christians.

so stop speaking church. stop speaking christian.

and speak Jesus.

(re)innocence

I want to see life through my son's eyes.

I want (re)innocence.

the years have left me seemingly jaded and skewed.

I want to see life through my son's eyes - trusting.

this is nothing new and nothing I haven't grappled with before.

as my eyes are opened more and more to 'reality' I can't help but think that 'reality' was closer at hand before.

I feign at maturity, I motion toward wisdom when all the while it's all simpler than I've made it out.

I want to see life through my son's eyes - ecstatic.

the drab and dark have left me numb. the conversations have left me wanting. the relationships have left me alone.

but this is not what I wanted. this is not what I started out to be(come).

I want to see life through my son's eyes - pure, unadulterated joy (yes, joy)

God, don't let me mess him up too bad.

I want to hold a starfish for the first time.

why church?

attention, attention (said in French, obviously) churchy-types,

so, why church?

really, why are you a part of a Christian community?

I'm interested to know - mostly because I wonder about the reasons people would give.

my pessimism wonders:

- guilt?

- obligation?

- habit?

man, I hope it's something deeper than that. man, I want to be bombarded with stories of hope and love, forgiveness and care, compassion and faith.

so, what is it for you? why church?

I don't care...enough

I wish I did. I wish I could.

really, believe me.

but I don't and can't care enough.

...

and yet, that is a major part of my vocation. that is a vital part of my life.

you see my dilemma?

most everyone's in some form of crisis - but I can't care enough.

I want to fix it. I want to change it. not out of pity, but out of friendship and togetherness. and love.

but I can't.

I don't want the cliche. I don't want the pat answer.

I want it to be different, somehow.

this is who I created myself as

a quote from a dear friend: "this is who I created myself as" continues to spin in my head after 3 months have passed.

on an existential level, it smacks of things deep and hidden.

my friend explained to me the impetus behind such splendor:

- we have made choices, for better or worse - but our choices nonetheless

- these choices have defined us

- these choices have changed us

- these choices have created us as we are

like it or not, "this is who I created myself as" - this is who you created yourself as

what choices are you making today that will create who you are to be?

- these choices may be direct or indirect, but choices allthesame

who is the person deep inside you desire to be?

who is the person deep inside you were created to be?

are you enabling these changes or inhibiting them?

as you peer into the mirror tonight before you drift off to sleep - ask yourself honestly - am I satisfied with who I created myself as?