Thursday, September 30, 2010

utterly alone

is it just me, or are most people walking through this life feeling alone?

no matter what the lifestyle
no matter how many friends
no matter how busy

there's this low-level hum of loneliness

not necessarily debilitating loneliness or even a woe-is-me loneliness

but more of an awareness that you...are...alone (or at least it feels that way)

you're the only one in your head
you're the only one who knows your thoughts
you're the only one who knows this pain - knows these secrets

...or are you?

as a pastor, I should tell you about how mysteriously and miraculously God's own Spirit chooses to live inexplicably intertwined in you when you know who he is and choose him - which I believe

but...sometimes it is still lonely.

I place unfair expectations on my relationships, looking to be made okay again through them
I ask the ones closest to me to make me feel whole
I stumble around looking for something that may not be found

I know God is t(here)...but sometimes it doesn't feel like it

and yet, in the midst of fleeting feelings - I choose to believe

and there are other times when I am so accutely aware of God's 'hereness' there is absolutely no mistaking it

I yearn for those moments
I need that hereness

otherwise, we are utterly alone - but I don't believe that

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