guilt and the relentless pursuit of 'betterness'

is there hope for us?

or are we caught in a perpetual cycle of of mediocrity?

there are things that need to be changed - decisions to be made and backed up

something about an old self dying and a new self being put on

...

but realistically, it feels as though we can't even make up our minds

with our words we acknowledge it

yet with our actions we deny it

...

we want to be better

we need to be better

...

but this guilt

it permeates and infects

distorts and weakens

...

is there hope for us?

can we look back one day having changed?

...

defeatist thinking is too easy

'why should we even try at all?'

...

has my faith grown small?

God, if ever we needed you - we need you now

I think we're still figuring out that we're naked and removed from the garden

awkward and insecure

to my disenchanted, disenfranchised friends

brothers and sisters

there is hope

you may think that change is seemingly impossible - that reevaluation is out of the question

you see a dying church

irrelevant
impotent
incapable

and you may very well be right in most of these accusations

however, there is hope

problem is - that hope may very well be found in you (actually, not a problem in my mind)

I know your love for Jesus
I know your love for people

and believe me, I know there is a lot to dislike about the Church - but don't lose your love for it

and if you have already 'fallen out of love' - see her again with new eyes

that awkwardly insecure little girl looking for love and life and meaning - just waiting for you to gently take her hand (even though she probably doesn't even realize it)

join me - not with all the answers, but with a deep desire to see her become the beautiful woman our God created her to be

innocent bystanders - achtung!

as a husband, father, friend, pastor and every other hat I wear - the people around me become the innocent bystanders as I frantically meander this life

all these internal struggles and ideological wrestling matches become spectacle for these poor people

as God breaks my heart (in the best way) over something, I can't help but share

as I'm challenged in an area, I must say something

(un)fortunately, this happens often

...

lately, I have been challenged on what it means to 'be' the church - the body of Jesus

as opposed to what it means to 'do' church

I have no definitive answers yet - though I have some inclings

...

I write this more as a heads-up and an apology - you will be subjected to the ramblings of a man in search (sometimes finding)

...

I am also choosing not to write about Mark Driscoll

everything is rubbish...

I rarely delve into popular blog trending for my personal writing

however, today - I put that norm aside

Steve Jobs died

I mourn his death, not because of my iPhone or iPad or MacBook or the sleek way they all integrate and have changed the way we live

I mourn because one person has died
...

but I got to thinking:

how many others die without so much as a whisper?

who grieves? who mourns for them?

...

and then I got to thinking

as I read posts and blogs and random thoughts from random people:

what will be my mark on this existence? (I know you're all thinking it too)

...

and then I really got thinking:

all my ambition, all my drive - rubbish if I lose grip of one key truth

"the last will be first and the first will be last"

I pray that I will be found faithful as a servant

...

what will your mark be?

will this world be better or worse after you're done here?

vice versa

given a different set of circumstances I could easily be in your place

yes, we all make decisions and have to live with them

but many of us lack the options to choose between

...

I am blessed - it's true

but I know the capability for evil that is within me

and when push comes to shove I don't know if I can truly say that I wouldn't have done the same thing

...but by the grace of God

...

you were but a child with no food

and no one to look up to

right and wrong seemed a lot more grey

does it have to be this way?

...

maybe I was meant to help...?

maybe my blessing should've become yours.

...

I'm sorry

every good and perfect gift

so, I've been reading some Kierkegaard lately

the following is an excerpt from his writing on the passage from James 1:17 -

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

These words are so beautiful, so eloquent, so moving; they are so soothing and so comforting, so simple and comprehensible, so refreshing and so healing. Therefore we will beseech Thee, O God, that Thou wilt make the ears of those who hitherto have not regarded them, willing to accept them; that Thou wilt heal the misunderstanding heart by the understanding of the word, to understand the word; that Thou wilt incline the erring thought under the saving obedience of the word; that Thou wilt give the penitent soul confidence to dare to understand the word; and that Thou wilt make those who have understood it more and more blessed therein, so that they may repeatedly understand it. Amen.

a voice in the desert calling...

the more I think about it, the more simple and true is the calling:

"repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near."

so suscinct

so clear

...

God is near

quit your day job

what were you born to do?

what are those things that you're skilled at?

those things that you love to do - that when you do them, time flies by.

...

are you doing them?

or at least pursuing them?

...

those dreams and aspirations placed in each are not there by accident

I believe that God has created each of us distinctly with these passions on purpose

to be used to bless others and in so doing bring glory to God.

...

maybe it is time to quit your day job.

the deadly loop

it always impresses me when people are able to make a substantial change in their life for the better

what is it that drives them to make these sometimes drastic, painstaking changes?

sometimes it is health related, sometimes it is just a new path

but what is their source of motivation?

...

and then there are others

those who continue to make the same choice again and again and again

who at first are surprised that they continue to have the same reactions to their choice

but later find that it is indeed their own choice that brings about the response

...

everyone wants to be those in the first group

but most of us fall into the second

the repetitive, deadly loop of laziness, guilt and numbness

...

what will it take for you to bust out of it?

I'm a heretic!

so, I'm a heretic...

or maybe I am willing to be...

but I guess it depends on perspective

or who is labelling me a heretic.

because Jesus was viewed by many as a heretic (and worse) and he's alright (maybe a little more than alright)

so maybe I want those who would call Jesus a heretic to label me the same...?

...

what if obediently following God in loving others meant being labelled a heretic?

is it worth it?