utterly alone

is it just me, or are most people walking through this life feeling alone?

no matter what the lifestyle
no matter how many friends
no matter how busy

there's this low-level hum of loneliness

not necessarily debilitating loneliness or even a woe-is-me loneliness

but more of an awareness that you...are...alone (or at least it feels that way)

you're the only one in your head
you're the only one who knows your thoughts
you're the only one who knows this pain - knows these secrets

...or are you?

as a pastor, I should tell you about how mysteriously and miraculously God's own Spirit chooses to live inexplicably intertwined in you when you know who he is and choose him - which I believe

but...sometimes it is still lonely.

I place unfair expectations on my relationships, looking to be made okay again through them
I ask the ones closest to me to make me feel whole
I stumble around looking for something that may not be found

I know God is t(here)...but sometimes it doesn't feel like it

and yet, in the midst of fleeting feelings - I choose to believe

and there are other times when I am so accutely aware of God's 'hereness' there is absolutely no mistaking it

I yearn for those moments
I need that hereness

otherwise, we are utterly alone - but I don't believe that

you're only as good as your last post

I am continually my own worst critic

starting up this blog again has reopened my heart

open again to both the good and the bad - but I guess I have to take both

there's a weight off my chest and a burden off my shoulders as I release these petty thoughts

but, there's a vulnerability that I would rather not carry with me

as most writers can attest to, though I'd hardly consider myself a 'writer' - you're only as good as the last thing you wrote.

in my case, only as good as the last post

I want to nail it every time, but I can't
I want to pour myself out fully, but I can't

there will be mediocrity, there will be missed marks

but I pray we will be better because of the trip

so, as we continue to journey together - be gentle, knowing I critique far more than you ever could

there will be up's and there will be down's - but we'll come out okay

thanks for journeying with me...and tell your friends.

good news?

so there's this phrase in churchianity called 'good news'

we find it in english translations of the Bible
I hear it from the pulpit. I see it in the propaganda (maybe too harsh)
but like many churchy phrases, this one is seemingly losing its meaning and depth and power
it's become so engrained in church culture, that rarely does one stop to remember

so, let us stop.

good news.

- is it actually good? or has it become just news for you?
- and is it actually news? or has it become just...well, I don't know...

what do you have in good news if you find it neither good nor news?

there are those who talk about this good news with little thought beyond their 'ticket to heaven'
there are those who talk about this good news with smugness as they 'condemn to hell'
there are those who talk about this good news in ignorance of those in need

what did the angel mean in telling the shepherds that a Saviour had been born - Christ the Lord?

this is bigger than your ticket to heaven
this is bigger than your pride (thank God!)
this is bigger than your ignorance

Jesus is Lord.

so, fellow journeying soul - is this still good news?
and if so - what becomes of it?

decidely moderate

I've noticed that when I'm with my 'righty' friends (and I use that term in all kindness) I tend to gravitate to a more left approach

I've subsequently noticed that when I'm with my 'lefty' friends (and I use that term in all sarcasm - haha) I tend to gravitate to a more right approach

now, before you charge me with flippantly changing my stance let me say...

I'm decidely moderate

and this is a dangerous thing for me to say, for I run the risk of losing the respect of both the lefties and the righties in so doing

but I see the severity at either end of the spectrum as more dangerous

there are things in this life that aren't quite as cut and dry as people would like to make them out to be

you may think that I'm just noncomittal

but I would submit that I'm very commited to listening (to both sides or more) and attempting to make a decision from there

I prefer that to just going along with whatever the 'groups' are saying

...or maybe I'm just moderately undecided?

I see you

forgive the creepiness of that title
but...

I see you

yeah, you

you slide through life without so much as a word
you keep quiet and reserved
you hold back
you keep your proverbial cards close
you shove your passions deep down
you keep your head down and your mouth shut
you try and you try to maintain this facade

but I see you
...and you're not fooling me

there's so much more there, I know
there's so much depth to your soul
there are things that boil your blood
there's mystery and passion and life
there's so much more than...this

and I see you.

you have something to say, I just know it
you have wisdom to share
you have so much life and it's killing you

don't keep it in. don't hold it back

let it out...let it out

and let them see you too.

to the next chapter

I miss writing

I miss creating, albeit ineloquent

I was intending to take the summer off the blog and return in the fall
that meant beginning September 1st...but here we are the true beginning of fall

thus, here I am - ready to pour out my heart

quite honestly it has been quite the journey
wins and losses
encouragement and discouragement

I found the less I wrote, the less I felt like writing and the less I felt inspired
a weird cycle indeed

so, in attempt to inspire inspiration...I write

I find myself back on themes of hope and disappointment. of pain and enlightenment

and God.
God is always there (or here, depending on your stance)

I want to be insprired and to inspire
I want God and I want life
I want to sip my coffee and reflect
I want to converse and ponder
I want to hug my kids so hard that they'll never forget my love
I want to laugh. I actually want to cry
I want to mend and heal and restore and reconcile

here's to the next chapter...

may we love more, regret less and revel in the joy of it all.

cheers!